So I've really been slacking on my blogging. And I love to blog when I do it. I think its because I'm avoiding how I feel or what I'm thinking. I get that way sometimes....where I feel like there is so much going on inside that it's easier to just glide through life and not think about it too much and writing about it makes me think and "feel". I'm such an emotional person anyways and feeling things that are bubbling inside can make me feel like a shaken soda can that is about to POP! :)
Today I can say that I have been faithful to my Life Style Change. I continue to make gains in choosing obedience to Christ in being a good steward with my body. Its a daily choice and struggle sometimes to say no to frivolous eating. I do have icream or something sweet on occassion, but I've learned to do it in portions or to choose a more lighter fare. Its hard and I get that "old" thinking of "Its not fair that I have to be healthy!".....and then there was one night that I was just angry because I got to the store late because I went walking before I went to town to get a birthday gift for a friend. And the store was closed and I was like "If I wasn't so fat, and didn't need to excercise, I could have been here earlier!" And I literally threw a grumpy tantrum and said that outloud while walking back to the van....Cornelius heard it all. He got back into the van quietly and didn't say anything. On another day he told me that no matter if I was skinny/healthy, you always need to exercise and take care of your body.
Some days are easier than others and then there are "those" days. And I think, "will this battle never end?" But what can I expect? I've struggled this food battle since I was a young girl. It's going to take time and it's going to be where I daily turn to God. One thing I get worried about is not making this about being skinny- but about being right with God and healthy. That is what this has to be about for the long haul. If it's about the surface and not heart felt, its not going to stand the trials of holiday food and the trials of emotional eating.
So here is the stats for today. I am 29 pounds lighter than what I was on April 18th when I weighed in with Julia. I figure that by the weekend or the end of July 2012, I will be 30 pounds less than what I was April 18th, 2012. And yesterday I did my best time on my walk/jog. I did 3.09 miles in 44 minutes and 5 seconds!! From someone who wasn't even walking, let alone jogging, here I am today jogging/walking 3 miles in under 45 minutes.....happy dance!!
But with even this good news- I feel like there are still some things that steal my joy and focus. Its been hard working this summer. Last summer I was home with the girls and loved it. With Cornelius laid off from work, I sometimes get jealous or angry. Not angry at him because he's so wonderful with the girls and cooking meals, taking care of the garden and animals. I mean, he has a full time job at home. But I get angry- angry that I'm working when I'd rather be home. Angry that we have expenses that keep me working. If Cornelius gets a job, I still have to work- or do I? Could we live on one income? We still are getting Unemployment and we are making the bills, its tight but we're doing it. So then I think, "well, if he gets a job making what I make with his Unemployment, then I could stay home." But then I get angry at myself because it boils down to my comfort level and not wanting to give up my "cushy" lifestyle. I like THINGS....and liking THINGS, shopping and having an appearance of money, keeps me working. So is this the next lifestyle change I need to make? Do I need to work on my heart attitude regarding status and money and things? OUCH.....I really didn't want to write this or confess it .....cause I feel like I'm confessing it and need to be held accountable regarding this since I verbalized it. Right now its like the big white elephant in the room that I'm tiptoeing around. I need prayer. Prayer to know how and what God wants me to do and to be obedient and not afraid. Right now I'm working and need to be while Cornelius is laid off. And I'm going to just keep focused on being a good worker and let this sit awhile......but I need prayer about this.....and I NEED TO PRAY ABOUT THIS.
Ok, phew! Now on to life in general. We've had a very busy July. Sarah visited with her new baby and Lindi and grandma Bornman came along too. I thought to myself, "when are we going to have them stay with us for a week like this ever again?" It was special. I think by the end of the week though, everyone was tired and ready to go home.
The next day, July 10th, the girls went on the train with my mom to Chicago for a whole week. It was so special for them to have this time with grandma. And they had a blast and experienced a new world in the city. They brought back 2 cousins with them who stayed from July 17th-20th. When the left, we were all ready for us to have our home back to normal with just our girls and no guests. Those cousins sure experienced a new world in the country. The one girl had never made home-made cookies. So when Abby asked her to make cookies with her she just looked blankly at Abby. It was wonderful that Abby and Becca could show them how relaxed and fun it is to live in the country and not go shopping every day in a mall or store of some kind. They loved all the animals we had. I asked Becca if she liked the city or country better. She told me "I like the country better mom." :)
Soon I will post pictures from the month of July. We have taken some beautiful pictures. We've been blessed and have had a good summer so far. Looking forward to what August holds for us. We're doing our family vacation in August up north in Munising to see the Pictured Rocks. Can't wait!
Here is a verse to conclude my thoughts today:
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
John 14:27
