whirlwind of emotions

Sitting alone at home in the recliner with the laptop. Thankful for WiFi and how I can sit and type anywhere in my home. Drinking coffee late at night....hmmm, just feeling a little down tonight and not sure why. I feel a heaviness in my heart.
Since my trip to FL I have experienced a whirlwind of things. Many and most at work. Huge misunderstanding with my boss who no longer is there and is on a project in Lansing. What I learned from it is that sometimes people can be so quick to judge you. And then because I am so emotional and can't imagine someone thinking I'm dishonest or wrong, well, just sent me in a tizzy. I had a bad confrontation and in one day I decide to get out of that office. And after several weeks of speaking with the other managers and getting things out in the open, well, I feel more at peace. I think that I have the kind of heart and personality that can easily take offense. I don't want to become emotionless or not care what people think, but I need to learn to guard my heart and emotions.
And I feel like I fail in so many areas and worry about so many things that I fall short in. 
1. My weight. I have let it creep up again. I was being so good. So disciplined. And here I am. 10 pounds heavier. All because of the holidays and careless mindless eating and not exercise. I know what steps I need to take. But it always comes down to my emotional eating and craving. What do I crave? God or food that doesn't satisfy and just adds to my sadness.
2. I feel like I don't put my home as a priority. I try so hard to be a good working mother. When I get home I love on Jaelle and we eat supper as a family. I do dishes or try to do a little clean up.  The girls do homework and then we have our nightly devotionals. Which, by the way has been going so well. However, I see litle things like with Becca's attitude or that Jaelle is potty trained and I know she could be if I were home to work on it and that Abby isn't practicing piano like she should. Oh, if only I were the stay-at-home mom who had time to manage my home and kids better. But I'm working. So then I feel discouraged like I failed somehow.
3. I feel disheartened about Cornelius and me- seems like we live in the same house lately but are not connecting heartwise. Not that he doesn't love me or care or provide. But my heart language is communication/words of affirmation and I think gifts. All things that Cornelius just does not care about or really care to work at.  Its just not him. And I knew this when I married the man. So then I think "well, maybe God had me marry Cornelius to keep me simple, humble and patient." But I don't feel any of those. I feel frustrated, angry and resentful.  Not good. So many people tell me "Be thankful Cherri. He's a wonderful man." And HE IS....but why not want more for our marriage. Why not strive and work on perfecting and growing our marriage and relationship?

Not sure what else I could write. And in a way, this is dangerous to write so freely about these feelings of mine, especially on a domain where others can read it. But isn't this about being real? I don't want to pain this picture perfect family. We are growing and working together, and oh do we have a beautiful family. But beautiful families can need some tender loving care. And I'd love to have some counselor guru come in and give me and Cornelius advice. Someone to speak into our lives, into our marriage and it cut right to the heart. Right now I feel like a nag, a sore spot and a frustration to Cornelius and he doesn't really ever voice is opinion or feelings to me. I think because he knows I might voice my opinion back and he's not sure he wants to hear it. :)  Oh, the joys of marriage and family!

So here I am feeling like I'm in my little pitty party and I don't like it. It shouldn't be about me. But it should be the truth and how I feel right now. And right now, I feel tired and disappointed in me and my life. Am I missing the mark God? Am I just drifting through and not being intentional?  Is there more.?

Friday I speak to a group of girls from our church.  The theme of the weekend is "True Love Waits". Have some good material and thoughts aobut our value being in Christ and when we know who we are in Christ, we are able to make the right choices to remain pure until marriage. Sunday I lead worship. Next week is Valentine's. Going to a church Valentine's Dinner at Maxfield's the 16th. And then the 22nd our Worship team is doing a Concert to raise funds for a mission trip to Gautamala called "Hearts for Guatamala".  Should be a good concert. Our focus is presenting songs that encourage us to be His hands and feet to the world and those around us.

Feels like a busy time. Many people around us hurting and going through their own family trials. God, you still rain and still have good things for those who love you.

Oh and one more thing. Mom has tests next week for some issues she's having with her kidneys.  Once we know more I will write more.

Good night.....may His presence, peace and joy fill my heart tonight so that I can be radiant beam for His glory and not mine. Amen.