Mother's Day May 13, 2012

I think that I had the nicest Mother's Day weekend since my marriage.  It started on Friday when I got home to see the table decorated with a bouquet of flowers and cards and gifts made by the girls. 

Saturday morning was my weigh in with Julia with the 24 day Advocare Challenge.  I have lost 14.2 pounds and 6 1/4 inches since I started April 18th.  AMAZING! The girls were gone all day at friends and so Cornelius and I went out with Jaelle grocery shopping, bought a new phone and just enjoyed the day together.  We got home, ate supper and went for our walk/jog.  In the evening there was a beautiful sunset.

And Sunday morning I slept in until 8am, and woke up to Cornelius making breakfast and the girls folded clothes, put them away and washed dishes.  It was heavenly.

Lunch was at mom's house and Grandma, Aunt Ginna and Gina and her kids came.  The guys did a great job of making a very yummy and healthy meal that I could enjoy.  I used discipline and portioned my food.  But more importantly I was enjoying the day without gorging myself and thinking about food all day. We had such a great day together and the kids played and played.  After the girls were in bed we did our exercises and then played cards with my parents until midnight.

It was just a wonderful weekend with the ones I love and they showed me their love in all that they did for me. 
God is good to me....
"He surrounds me with lovingkindness and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things!"
 Psalm 103:4-5 TLB

Daily Victories with Each Step

So things have been going smoothly with my food and I see new victories every day with each step I take.  At first they seem small but every small step is a big step towards victory.

Yesterday on May 9th, I was able to sit with a friend eating pizza during lunch and then icecream for a snack later and not drool OR be depressed.  I was able to enjoy my healthy lunch and my soy yogart snack.  It was huge!!  I can't tell you how I felt.  I felt so proud of myself.  But more importantly, food didn't have this grip on me.  After lunch I had a bad sweet tooth and I was going to drink some coffee with sugar to help curb it but then opted on drinking green tea with no sugar.  I satisfied my thirst and just being able to sip that tea took the urge to eat sugar.  ANOTHER VICTORY!

In the evening we went for our walk/jog.  I went 3.11 miles in 50 minutes and 29 seconds.  My best time YET!!  The last time I went when I thought I went 3.2 miles was incorrect.  My app wasn't working and so we weren't able to really gage the right mileage.  So that discouraged me a little.  But after last night, again, I felt like a step in the right direction.

In my reading last night in "Made to Crave" there were so many good nuggets.  Too many to write down in this blog but there was something that I realized about myself.  There was a paragraphs about what Lysa did when she felt she didn't measure up.  So the chapter ended with a question: When she felt like she didn't measure up, Lysa says she kicked into withdrawal mode or fix-it mode.  What mode do you kick into when you feel like you don't measure up? 

• And I sat back and thought and I knew exactly what I did;  I rant and rave, I nag, and I get a real critical spirit towards my husband and children. I'm selfish and focused on it's all about me and what I want.

Lysa says this in her book on pg. 69
"Like many women, I'd struggled with a flawed perception of myself.  My sense of identity and worth were dependent on wrong things- my circumstances or my weight or whether I yelled at the kids that day or what other people thought of me.  If I sensed I wasn't measuring up, I kicked into either withdrawal mode or fix-it mode.  Withdrawal mode made me pull back from relationships, fearing others' judgments.  I built walls around my heart to keep people at a distance.  Fix-it mode made me overanalyze other people's every word and expression looking for ways to manipulate their opinions to be more pleasing towards me. ....both of these are crazy modes to be in."

Yesterday I noticed when I felt insecure and like I was failing or not measuring up, I got whiney and cranky and just criticized everything Cornelius did.  And it was so awful and ugly.  The girls were in bed and here Cornelius was helping me clean the house.  He had just spent the day making me healthy granola bars, a wonderful supper (the picture below) and walking with me.  All this in one day and I was complaining because the house was messy and why didn't he do laundry and why did it look like the way it did when I left this morning.  And when I thought about it later, I was embarrassed by my words and actions.  Its amazing Cornelius did yell at me back and tell me the truth - "You really are selfish and mean!"

But after my reading last night I realized what I do when I get insecure, instead of being compassionate and sensitive to my family and their needs, I get mean, critical, impatient and nag.......oh.

BUT, I see it now and can make ask God to help me be victorious in this area of my life too.  And I never would have realized it had I not been on this journey! 

And finally another important lesson from the book:  Diligently fill your heart and mind with God's truths during this journey and these truths will protect me.  Its vital to make His truth the foundation not only for our identity but how we deal with food. 

And I leave you with these words from "MADE TO CRAVE" because they nuggets of treasure:

• The Holy Spirit uses God's words stored up inside us to nudge us, to remind us, redirect us, empower us, and lead us on to victory. 
• If you dedicate this journey to God, He promises the Holy Spirit will be with you every step of the way. 
• And that means you have access to a power beyond what you can muster up on your own.



And here's the beautiful meal Cornelius made for me.  Baked Sweet Potato fries, steamed zuchinni, and Stuffed Pepper with Turkey Burger.  SO YUMMY and healthy. :)


I LOVE YOU CORNELIUS AND HOW YOU LOVE AND TAKE CARE OF ME IS AMAZING.  YOU SHOW MY CHRIST'S LOVE DAILY and I'M TRULY THANKFUL AND BLESSED.

A Bump in the Road Healed

So Friday night I had a great walk/jog.  I went almost 3.2 miles in 51 minutes!!  I was so proud and excited.  When we got home, I took off my tennis shoes and was walking around barefoot when I felt a twinge in the arch of my left foot.  It hurt but I just didn't think anything of it.  As the night went on it started to really hurt.  I had it up and I was reading my Bible and book.  When I went to bed I put ointment on it.  I woke up around 5:30am to go bathroom and because my foot hurt so bad.  When Cornelius woke up around 8am, I told him how bad it was hurting.  We decided I should go to Urgent care and get x-rays.  It felt awful and I could barely put my weight on it.  I was sure I had a stress fracture.  Before I left, Cornelius put his hand on my foot and prayed.  I was thinking how thoughtful of him to pray but that it was no good, my foot was messed up and that was a fact. On the way to Urgent Care I started praying/talking with God. I was telling Him "Well God, this is just another bump in the road." and then I got all emotional and asked "How could you let my foot be hurt when we just started this journey?"  At Urgent Care we took x-rays and they didn't see any breaks but gave me a stiff boot to wear so not to push off on the ball of my foot or to bend it.  I got home in time to go to a Mother Daughter Banquet that I was speaking at.  Abby and Becca went with me and I wore my boot.  Abby sang and so did Becca.  It was a special time for me to have this with the girls.  I was very good an only ate fruit and veggies. We got home around 4:15 and then Cornelius and I left at 5:15pm to go to dinner with friends from small group.  By then my foot seemed a little better.  I put my tennis shoes on and I noted again that when we were leaving the restaurant, my foot felt a little stronger yet.
Sunday morning I felt a little achy in my foot and I was amazed how flexible my foot was.  I just knew in my heart that God had touched my foot.  That I needed to trust and thank Him for doing this.  Because the doctor at Urgent Care told me that a sports injury can take time to heal and that I need to heal it by not agitating it.  But today as I write this, my foot feels normal and I can bend and flex it like nothing happened.  I am believing that my Faith was being tested and that God was again showing me that He is faithful and that I need to trust and believe that He will carry me through this to the end!

This morning I was feeling all discouraged and like I can't do this.  I just was thinking about food and coffee.  I felt like I wanted greasy fatty food. Julia and I met for lunch today and I was sharing with her my constant battle.  She said it's hard to wrap her brain around it.  Its hard to imagine you want that food more than the other benefits.  And I was thinking how it's all about that instant gratification.  You have this instant fix (taste bud fix) and then the guilt because you know you didn't need it.  Like a guy who cheats on his wife- he gives in to an in pulse by cheating with another woman, and then feels guilty.  But then goes back to that impulse and then eventually it takes him over and he's constantly in sin and cheating on a regular basis.  I get a fix too- but its with food.  I get that warm feeling and yummy taste in my mouth and then as soon as I'm done eating it I realize that I'm either still hungry or that it didn't satisfy me. 

This Sunday, on Mother's Day, will mark 24 days.  On Saturday Julia is coming to weigh me and take my measurements.  I'm excited....and then I get worried that it's not enough.  And then I think "Every little bit is a step in the right direction."  I shouldn't be in the business of measure whether it's enough.  I should be in the business of saying "one step at a time and keep going because eventually it will be a BIG DEAL"  I heard a lady sharing with other women about little things that turn into big things.  This is one of those things- where little steps in the right direction keep leading you to the right thing.  The discipline of daily Bible reading is feeding my Spirit and strengthening my inner man.  Which in turn keeps me strengthened to fight this battle with food.  And my discipline to walk and exercise strengthens my physical body and teaches me to crucify the fleshly desires that can easily entangle us.

So my faith was tested big time this weekend and again, My God proved faithful and again, my faith has grown because I continue to see that NOTHING is too difficult for Him.  That when you love Him, He loves to love you back and totally surprise you!

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

Goodness

The song, You Are Good, has meant so much to me during this time in my life.  The first time I heard it I was walking on the heartland trail....and I just started crying.  Tears streaming down my face, hands lifted towards heaven, thanking him for His goodness.  For revealing to me how much I needed healing in my life, in my heart and in my soul.  When I'm walking, listening to my music, I feel so close to God.  I feel His presence and His love for me.  That He loves my WHOLE being.  He cares for my health, my family, my physical, mental and emotional needs.  There is such a sense of gratitude and completeness when you know that love and when you sense His love over you.  Its beyond what I can explain with words.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYZPm1UGws4

YOU ARE GOOD sung by Kari Jobe

your kindness leads me to repentance
your goodness draws me to your side
your mercy calls me to be like you
your favor is my delight
everyday I've awaken my praise and poured out a song from
my heart

You are good, you are good
you are good and your mercy is forever
You are good, you are good
your kindness leads me to repentance
your goodness draws me to your side
your mercy calls me to be like you
your favor is my delight
everyday I've awaken my praise
and poured out a song from my heart

your kindness is forever
your goodness is forever
your mercy is forever
(repeat)

On May 2nd, Julia and her husband Casey came.  It has already been 2 weeks since I started my Advocare health program challenge.  In those 2 weeks Julia measured that I lost a total of 3 3/4 inches.  AMAZING!!  It just feels so amazing to see results when you work so hard at it. 

I started reading "Made To Crave" last night.  It is totally what I need to be reading right now.  It speaks exactly to my heart and correlates with many things I have already talked about in my blog.  I feel like things are all just coming together like they should be and I have this excitement about what God is doing in my life. 

On another note , I want to talk about the struggle that I've had at night with food.  There are times I feel like I'm so hungry and I know it's because I was so used to eating at night.  If I watched a movie, I ate.  If I played a board or card game, I ate.  I haven't been watching TV at night.  It just doesn't do me any good to sit and think about food and see commercials about food.  So I've been reading or doing more house work.  This strategy is working and I keep hoping that it will continue to work.  Moments come when its hard and I just turn to God and pray or think of scripture or say to myself  "I am stronger than this craving for food."

I love how the author Lysa Terkeurst said it in "Made to Crave":
Psalm 78:18 They willfully put God to the test by demanding the food they craved.
"I don't want to wander about in a "desert" unable to enter into an abundant life God has for me because I willfully put Him to the test over food!"

GOD IS GOOD!  And I continue to see His faithfulness and goodness more and more each day. 

Brought Into The Light

I was thinking how crazy I am to share with people what I'm doing- I mean, am I setting myself up for failure?!  Those are some of the thoughts I've had recently.  And the more I thought about it, the more I felt "No, this is right.  You need to bring into the light what you have tried to hide." 

I've been in denial and accepted that for the rest of my life it would be ok to be overweight and have this affair with food.  Because, I'm all about accepting people.  You don't judge them by how they look.  It's not my place to talk about weight.  I've struggled with it all my life. So how dare I suggest that my food and weight problem is "sin".  I remember someone suggesting that being overweight was sin and I was appalled. How dare they! They just don't understand.  Everyone has issues and food and being overweight is not a big deal.  But the more I see how I have put food on a pedestal, before God, before relationships- then yes, it is a sin.  Because I allowed it to take root in my life and take precedence to God being the one to fulfill my needs.

 Everyone who knows me knows how much I love people and thrive on friendship, communication and relationships.  So sharing my life with others is just who I am.  But in all honesty, I have hidden a part of me.  I've tried to hide my addiction and unhealthy relationship to food in the darkest corner. 

The truth is, when you bring something into the light, it's not pretty.  It's like finding junk hidden up in the attic that's been there for years and its all dirty, dusty, moldy smelling or moth bitten.  It's not a pretty sight. But that is often where you find treasures too.  You find something that has been neglected and when you put time and care into it, it truly is a treasure.  I'm not talking about finding an antique and making some money off it. It might be a picture album of family photos or a quilt made by a great Aunt or a rocking chair that Grandma rocked you in.  You invest time, care, money and love into restoring and fixing that neglected item.  And when you are finished, you stand back and are awed by it's beauty.

I feel like I've hidden a part of me in the attic- neglected, unkept and in the dark.  But once you bring it into the light, you able to see what condition it is in.  I was in pretty bad shape and I tried to hide it.  And you can't hide sin because it eventually poors into every party of your life.  Its like a house, it may look well kept on the outside but when you walk inside, you can see what condition it truly is in. 

I Cor. 4:4-5

⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. ⁵ Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.

Job 12:22
He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light.

Micah 7:9b
He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Acts 26:18
to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me

1 John 1:5
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

The darkness of my addiction to food has been brought into the light.  Now God can show me the hidden things in my heart that need to be removed, healed and restored.  Because I am willing to stand in the light of His presence and Holy Spirit, God can begin the work of making me into a beautiful masterpiece.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s handiwork (masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I was created to do good and great work for God....and I want to be about doing that, living life to the fullest and dancing in the light!

COME OUT OF THE DARK AND YOU WILL SEE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF THE FATHER!

Craving

1 John 2:15-17
Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.  For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.

This was apart of my Bible reading last night.  For some reason, this verse really stuck out to me- maybe because it said the word, "CRAVE" and I right away thought about food and the struggle with cravings.

But then I looked at it deeper and I see "craving for physical pleasure...craving for everything we see"...and "pride in our achievements and possessions.....these are not from the Father"

I crave things.  I crave things not because they will honor God and my desire to follow and love Him.  But because its about me- and what I want.  I recognize this in me and want to rid myself of this selfish craving.

When I was walking last night, I had some amazing moments.  I was listening to worship music and I had this exhilaration and feeling that I could just run.  I felt God there with me, His Holy Spirit driving me.  I want to be skinny and beautiful, just like any girl dreams and wishes.  But more than anything, I want to be free.  Free from the control that food and obesity has on me.  I could feel and sense it coming off me.  I could sense the chains of that bondage coming off and the freedom.....it felt amazing.  It felt like I was flying with God.  That there was no limit to what I could do with God and His Spirit in me.  God has given me authority to take control of my life, and the cravings that I have.  He has blessed me with this freedom to be free to choose.  I want to choose to crave Him and His kingdom.  To crave His Spirit and to be sensitive and obedient to His direction and leading in my life.  And in turn, because I do what pleases God, I WILL LIVE FOREVER!! 

That feeling of freedom felt better and tasted better than any food I've tasted....I can't explain it.  It was satisfying and fulfilling in a way that food can't.  Truly, only God can fulfill me and not food or any cravings for worldly possession, recognition, or physical pleasure.  Those things are temporal, but His life and freedom in the Spirit- that is what I want.

I wish I could bottle that feeling yesterday- I wanted to cry.  But it was happy tears because I'm doing it!!  I'm choosing to take control with the authority He has given me to have dominion over my life, through His Spirit and strength. 

Yesterday I walked 3.02 miles in 52 minutes and 59 seconds.  I'm really close to hitting 3 miles in 45 minutes.  I'm going to do it and I know it- because nothing is impossible for God and that Spirit of God lives in me.  And how can I say that I can't do it?!  How can I put boundaries on what God can do in and through me?  Who am I to say that I'm weak, a failure, or defeated?  No, I am more than a conqueror in Christ and I press on towards that goal and prize.

I see the finish line and soon I'll be waving a flag of TOTAL victory from the bondage of food.  Keep praying and cheering for me from the stands, because I hear it, I need it and I want to remain steadfast to show others and myself how GOOD GOD IS!! Amen.

Trading One Addiction For Another

We went to the mall yesterday and had a really good time.  I packed healthy snacks, water etc for me and the girls.  My dad treated us to dinner out and I made a healthy choice of fish, steamed broccoli and a cole slaw with an olive oil vinegrette.  The grilled fish was amazing and had about 2TBSP of fresh fruit  on top(like mandrin organges and mangoes) for a sweet taste.  YUMMY.
 Abby got her ears pierced and some new clothes for summer.  We got some sweet deals at Aeropostle.  Everything was 60-75% off!  I maybe went over the top.....no, I went way over the top.  I could have spent less.  But I justified it as "she really needed the clothes". Which she did need the clothes but no $300 some dollars worth!
 Later when I got home I was thinking about the whole day.  Maybe I over analize things, but in all honesty, its a good quality to be retrospective. I think that because I couldn't spend on junk food like a pretzel and cheese, coffee- with much too much sugar and cream, ice cream (all items that I probably would have gotten on a normal visit to the mall), I spent on clothes.
What I'm trying to say is this- it's easy to transfer your addiction to another unhealthy addiction.  I'm wondering if the core issue I have is not food, but being compulsive and without self control. And I transfer this core problem into food and other things in my life.

GALATIONS 5:22-26
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

The opposite of self control:

• Selfishness or selfish ambition
• rage
• disobedience
• rebellion

When you do not have the fruit of Self Control in your life- everything goes out of control.  It affects how you are with your family, friends, finances, spouse, food, your spouse- it effects EVERYTHING.

Verse 24 talks about when you belong to Christ you crucify the flesh and its passions and desires.  My flesh is selfish.  My flesh thinks only of me and what I want.  My flesh acts on emotion and is compulsive.  But when I crucify flesh, I have love, I have joy, I have peace, I have patience, I have kindness to others, I have goodness and I'm faithful in all that I do at work, home and God and I'm gentle and I am self controlled/disciplined.  WOW!!  All those things are contingent upon my CRUCIFYING and SUBMITTING to God's Spirit in my life.  And when you submit, you have the abundance of good fruit in your life.

I don't want to trade my problem with food for another problem/addiction.  Its important to be aware and sensitive to the issues at heart.  I am looking past the food and looking at me as a whole person -why and how I use food, things, or people in my life reveals my heart and my issue with self control.

I am thankful for God in my life, for His Spirit that speaks to me and shows me things. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5